Tissues plus a Blankety Blank chequebook and pen for Mr Yousaf, please. Scotland’s First Minister quit with a midday speech at Edinburgh’s Bute House, his official residence.

It went on a bit and things became weepy towards the end. He’d had a wonderful time and was adamant he felt no ill-will to anyone. ‘I certainly bear no grudge against anyone,’ he declared, shortly before watering up with stinging salt tears.

How refreshing it would be if a political leader resigned with ‘they’re all a bunch of belly-crawling vipers and I’m glad to be shot of them’. This was not the route selected by hokey Humza. He did 11 minutes of ruefulness. Soupier than borscht it was. But if the intention was to earn sympathy it probably worked, because normal people are more generous than journalists.

A noonday execution. It happened in the Georgian house’s drawing room. ‘Withdrawing rooms’, they used to be called and Mr Yousaf, 39, was withdrawing from his duties. ‘Afore ye go’ is the Highlands expression when they press another quarter-pint of whisky in your hand as you’re trying to escape. Afore Humza went he gave this 11-minute speech. Any longer and Sky News would have been asking him to incorporate an ad break.

Tissues plus a Blankety Blank chequebook and pen for Mr Yousaf, please. Scotland’s First Minister quit with a midday speech at Edinburgh’s Bute House, his official residence (pictured)

It went on a bit and things became weepy towards the end. He’d had a wonderful time and was adamant he felt no ill-will to anyone. ‘I certainly bear no grudge against anyone,’ he declared, shortly before watering up with stinging salt tears

He did 11 minutes of ruefulness. Soupier than borscht it was. But if the intention was to earn sympathy it probably worked, because normal people are more generous than journalists

For once he was not wearing a tartan tie. Behind him was a portrait of Robert Burns (1759-96). The poet stood by the Brig o’ Doon with his arms crossed in an expression that suggested ‘look, chum, is there much more of this?’

The TV news channels were in overdrive, running interviews with gobbling Scots politics pundits listing various non-entities who could succeed the toppled Yousaf. Alex Salmond popped up, trying not to gloat. He won’t keep his head still, Salmond. Nor would Nicola Sturgeon, who wobbled her bean like Ronald Reagan. Mr Yousaf was an inveterate darter and jinker, too. It just makes them resemble fighting pheasants.

Mr Yousaf stood at a low lectern emblazoned with a protractor symbol. He admitted he had ‘clearly underestimated the level of hurt’ felt by Green-party colleagues he sacked last week. Steaming they were, those Greens. Al dente!

Having given the matter thought over the weekend, Mr Yousaf had decided to drink the hemlock. It would have been ‘absolutely possible’ to survive but he was ‘not willing to trade my values and principles or do deals with whomsoever simply for retaining power’. One possible translation for this was ‘I couldn’t bear being bossed about by Alex Salmond and his eejits’.

Cue the violins, Mantovani. Mr Yousaf called Scotland ‘the only country I will ever call home’ and did a little riff about how ‘people who looked like me’ never used to hold positions of power but now we had a United Kingdom where minorities were in several top roles. ‘To my SNP family, I will always be with you,’ said our departing hero, like some Viking Jarl being tugged out to his funeral longboat. Hang on, mate, you’re only 39.

‘Politics can be a brutal business, it takes its toll on your physical and mental health,’ he continued as a man in a white coat tightened him into a straitjacket. The ‘founding fathers and mothers’ of Scottish devolution believed in their politicians ‘sharing wisdom, sharing counsel, sharing ideas’, said Mr Yousaf. ‘Sharing wisdom’ is the sort of thing politicians only say when their marbles have been completely fried by events.

The TV news channels were in overdrive, running interviews with gobbling Scots politics pundits listing various non-entities who could succeed the toppled Yousaf. Alex Salmond (pictured) popped up, trying not to gloat

Nicola Sturgeon (pictured) wobbled her bean like Ronald Reagan. Mr Yousaf was an inveterate darter and jinker, too. It just makes them resemble fighting pheasants

There was a final line about Scotland being a great country to lead before he and Mrs Yousaf (pictured) were shown out of the room like chief mourners from their own wake

There was still time for him to look sideways to his ‘wonderful wife’ Nadia and his ‘beautiful children’. The chin was now crumpling like a discarded crisp packet. There was a final line about Scotland being a great country to lead before he and Mrs Yousaf were shown out of the room like chief mourners from their own wake.

The BBC’s London-based political editor Chris Mason, who had flown to Edinburgh to ask a zinger, had to lug his rucksack out of the room, not a single question having been allowed. Back to the airport for you, Mason.