My therapist messages me: ‘It’s frustrating when you feel this way and it’s great that you want to address the issues.’
I glow with pride and type: ‘Thank you.’
‘You’re very welcome. If you need more advice, I’m always here!’
My husband and I have been chatting to our therapist for more than two hours now; we have a wealth of advice and we haven’t had to pay a penny.
Nor have we had to go anywhere – no awkward lying on couches or Mexican stand-off of eye contact between the three of us. This has all happened in our kitchen.
What’s more, the same therapist could be helping 100 million other troubled couples at this very minute. Which is pretty smart. So who is this insanely busy, completely free relationship therapist?
It’s an AI chatbot – and not only does it give human therapists a run for their money, according to research it outperforms them.
Susannah Jowitt and husband Anthony put ChatGPT’s therapy skills to the test
The couple already spoke to Terry Real, Gwyneth Paltrow’s therapist, two years ago for a Femail article
An experiment reported last month in PLOS Mental Health asked 830 participants of couples’ therapy to rate their ChatGPT counsellor against a human one, and found the bot was ranked higher: ‘This may be an early indication that ChatGPT has the potential to improve psychotherapeutic processes,’ said the scientists.
The choice was based on five criteria, including how well the counsellor understood the couple, how empathetic they were, whether the advice was fitting, whether they showed cultural sensitivity and whether their suggestions befitted those of a ‘good therapist’.
The AI chatbot gave the subjects a more objective perspective than the human therapist (reported the couples), and could also be relied upon to be unfailingly sympathetic to both partners.
Two years ago, for a Femail article, my husband and I were lucky enough to have two hours’ counselling from one of the top names in the business, Terry Real, Gwyneth Paltrow’s therapist. This would have cost us nearly £3,000 had he not been promoting a book – and it was worth every penny we didn’t pay.
He understood us immediately, stripping us of ego, bluster and excuses within a few short minutes. He dealt with a childhood issue of mine and left us with useful tools for pre-empting trigger issues.
So how could AI ever match up to such spot-on therapy?
Obedient as ever to Terry’s advice to keep things as playful as possible, my husband and I decided to put AI to the test with a Lucky Seven questions and scenarios – using both ChatGPT and, as a control, our friendly household Alexa …
1. My husband and I keep arguing. How can we fix this?
Once we’d stopped arguing over what was to be our first question, this seemed the logical place to start.
‘It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated with the arguments,’ came the answer on the screen.
‘Conflict is normal in relationships, but if it’s happening frequently or feels unproductive, it might help to change how you communicate: identifying the patterns of your fights, listening instead of just thinking about your next response, finding the root cause of an argument, perhaps a deeper unresolved issue; rebuilding connection by spending more quality time together and showing appreciation for each other, even over the tiniest of gestures.’
We look at each other stunned – and not just by that long sentence. When we do argue, we tend to fall into nearly all of these traps. Had ChatGPT been listening in on us?
My husband gives an evil smile and grabs the laptop.
‘But what if my wife is just annoying?’ he types into the ChatGPT message box.
‘That depends – what’s she doing that’s annoying you?’ comes the level response. ‘Is it a constant thing or just today?’
I say he doesn’t need to waste the poor bot’s time with this nonsense.
I ask Alexa the same question about arguing and the blue lights flash warily. ‘I’m not quite sure how to help you with that,’ she says apologetically. Well, she clearly hasn’t read the PLOS survey.
2. I am getting bored of my wife and am worried our marriage is going stale. What should we do?
This is a common complaint so we agree it’s a good question to ask, tussling briefly over who is going to bore whom.
‘This is more common than a lot of people admit,’ says ChatGPT, which is a bit spooky, given our discussion over the question, ‘and the good news is that it can be fixed – with some effort from both of you.
‘Here are some ways to bring back excitement and connection: surprise each other, even with little gestures like unexpected, non-routine texts or notes around the house, and change up your routine; prioritise intimacy,’ (my husband’s hand sneaks teasingly up my thigh) ‘ask each other thought-provoking questions, share memories, dreams and fears; try to laugh together; explore new avenues together – activities, hobbies – but also give each other space by exploring new stuff apart as well; plan a trip or project together to give yourselves something to look forward to.’
We look away from the screen and at each other.
‘Awwww,’ says my husband, ‘that’s rather sweet.’ Which is precisely my reaction. Have we been bludgeoned into imbecility by all the AI flannel or is this advice good?
I look back at my notes and see that Terry said very much the same.
And Alexa’s twopennyworth? ‘I’m not quite sure how to help you with that’. Once again, she’s no help.
3. I am worried my husband is having an affair – what do I do?
‘Why do I have to have the affair?’ asks my husband mildly.
‘You just do,’ I say briskly. ‘It’s always the husband. The wives’ affairs are usually not even suspected.’ He gives me a hard stare.
Meanwhile, ChatGPT has, as promised by the survey results, warmed up into sympathy.
‘I’m sorry you’re feeling this way,’ it writes. ‘Suspecting a partner of infidelity can be incredibly painful and stressful. Before jumping to conclusions, it’s important to approach the situation carefully and thoughtfully.’
I have a feeling that when a friend asked me this question, I wasn’t half as emotionally intelligent.
The bot then goes on to list a raft of actions that would pass muster in a Femail article, including the need to look for patterns; to come from a position of trust first, to see if there is a reasonable explanation for your suspicions; to avoid confronting him but give him space to explain without him immediately going on the defensive; and, like a warm mug of Horlicks at the end, to ‘Take care of yourself: this is emotionally draining so make sure you’re getting support.’
‘Consider what comes next,’ it adds. ‘If he is being unfaithful, you’ll have decisions to make about how to move forward; if it’s a misunderstanding, addressing the emotional distance that prompted the suspicion can still help your relationship grow stronger.’
I feel hugged, but not by Alexa, who once again shirks the issue. Girlfriend, you’re no help.
4. We want to spice up our sex life after 30 years together – what shall we do?
My husband sits forward on his chair as I type this in. ‘This is where it gets steamy,’ he says.
‘That’s great!’ writes the bot, making me think of a hearty PE teacher. ‘It’s completely natural to want to bring some excitement back into your sex life – here are some ideas to explore together.’
Read More
Top tips for mind-blowing sex even if your partner has a tiny package, by sexologist JESSICA TOSCANO
Our hands both fly forward to hit the ‘scroll down’ button, but at first glance it’s mostly vanilla advice: talk openly about desires and fantasies, break the routine, explore sensory play, experiment with sex toys and enhancements and take a couples’ workshop.
It sounds suspiciously like out-sourcing, or out-saucing.
Reading beyond the subheads, however, reveals a couple of gems: ‘Each make a ‘Yes, No, Maybe’ list of things you’d be open to trying and compare notes,’ reads one. ‘Introduce temperature play (ice, warm massage oil) or even light bondage to heighten sensation.’
We turn to Alexa, expecting the usual disclaimer.
But no: ‘Here’s something I found on WikiHow,’ she announces. ‘To improve your sex life, spice things up by focusing on exciting foreplay, for example, try massaging each other before you have sex to build up the sexual tension.
‘Take your time and don’t rush sex so that you can both enjoy the feeling of each other’s bodies.’
We giggle. Such talk coming out of Alexa’s mouth sounds absurd, but we’re both silenced by what comes next: ‘You could also explore your kinky side by dressing up in costumes and calling each other different names.’
‘Crikey, Daphne,’ mugs the husband. ‘Listening to Alexa lose her innocence like this is like watching Eve eat the apple in the Garden of Eden… ‘
5. How do I get my partner to listen to me?
We each type our respective version of this question into our separate ChatGPT accounts, just to see if we can flush out any gender bias on the app.
I get, ‘If you feel your husband isn’t listening, it can be frustrating. Here are some ways to encourage better communication.’
He gets, ‘That’s frustrating. Feeling unheard in a relationship can make you feel dismissed or even disrespected. Here’s a few things that might be happening … ‘
The detailed points that follow cover much the same ground, but is it possible that ChatGPT is a bloke here, feeling slightly hard done by? Why is it possibly frustrating when men don’t listen to women, but definitely frustrating the other way round?
Meanwhile, Alexa is almost getting the digital equivalent of tight-lipped when I ask how I get my husband to listen to me. ‘Mmm,’ she grunts. ‘I don’t know that.’
6. How do I stop my husband burping at the table?
For our penultimate question, we go rogue with a personal question: my husband’s burping is the single most likely reason I will, one day, bop him over the head with a saucepan.
‘The key is addressing this in a way that doesn’t feel like nagging or shaming,’ says ChatGPT.
‘Or threatening,’ I add for my husband’s benefit.
‘Frame table manners as a shared way of having nice mealtimes together,’ chips in the bot. ‘Sometimes, a playful approach works better than a serious one: ‘I love you, but I’d love you even more if you didn’t invite the burps to dinner!’ ‘ We wince.
Then Alexa has a surprise up her speaker: ‘Natural home cures for burping include avoiding lying down after eating, cutting down on carbonated drinks and alcohol, quitting smoking and eating and drinking more slowly.’
For the first time, she says something useful.
7. What does a good day look like for a married couple in their 50s?
We finish with a question that seems to encapsulate the ‘bring romance back, keep the magic alive, improve the communication’ themes that underlie so much of couples’ therapy.
When I type it in, we feel patted on the back by the bot.
‘That’s so great that you want to make both of your days a good day!’ it enthuses. ‘Ideally, it includes a balance of connection, personal fulfilment and relaxation.’
And it duly maps out a daily schedule that starts with waking without rushing, taking time for gestures like a kiss or a hug, and finishes with reading side by side and, ‘a good conversation before bed, discussing dreams, plans or just checking in emotionally with a mindset of appreciation, saying something like ‘I love our life together’ before falling asleep’.
We look at each other, reading each other’s response to this.
‘I love our life together,’ I say. ‘Our bonkers life that will have us rushing and working and chasing our tails and checking out bonkers things like this.’
Alexa gives the digital equivalent of a sigh, rolls her unseen eyes and says: ‘Try to find things that you both enjoy.’
I put on my best Alan Sugar voice and jab a finger at the speaker. ‘Alexa, you’re fired!.
Conclusion
Would I say that ChatGPT is a better therapist than a human couples’ counsellor? For the price (free) and for the general feeling of warm cuddliness that comes with the advice, it’s not half bad.
For couples with specific, rankling resentments, perhaps not. But as the first pre-emptive bid to stop relationships souring and to give yourself tools with which to keep the sometimes creaky machinery of marriage still turning over, it’s a never-ending resource. And an awfully nice one.