What I wasn’t prepared for, when explaining to people that my marriage was over, was becoming a social pariah. But this is what you will become if there is no affair involved and you are the one instigating the split. Everyone’s first reaction was the same: ‘Oh, I’m so sorry!’ Because everyone presumed my husband must have had an affair.

When I explained that no, no one had cheated, it was my choice to leave, it was met with total confusion.

From the outside looking in people thought I had a happy marriage. Nothing seemed wrong. ‘But you’ve got everything,’ I was told, ‘why would you make it difficult for yourself by going?’ When I explained that I was unhappy, people would say, ‘but how unhappy?’

Then they would reel off a list: your husband isn’t having an affair, he doesn’t beat you, you’re not abused, he gives you freedom, he’s not a bad person…

When you really drill down, what they meant was: why don’t you just suck it up? Close friends included. One said to me, ‘you’ve ruined our lives’ – because we were a big group, our kids grew up together, we socialised as couples, spent high days and holidays together. She said, ‘What are we going to do at the weekends now?’

My marriage ending came as such a surprise to so many that it caused anger, confusion and resentment. There were immediately whispers in the local rugby club: terrible things were alleged to have happened, with people saying awful things about me. A friend of mine spent her time telling the gossips, ‘that’s just not true’.

I was judged by everyone in my community, which is middle class and affluent. Many women don’t work and have lovely, social, enviable lives from the outside. So when you put your head above the parapet and say, ‘that’s not for me’, you’re suddenly seen as a real threat and people don’t like it.

Kat Farmer, wearing a top from F&F and jeans from Topshop, says her marriage ending came as such a surprise to so many that it caused anger, confusion and resentment

But I can’t judge them for that, as I was that person ten years ago. I was the smuggest married person on the planet. I thought I had it all. And then, suddenly, I thought, ‘I can’t do this any more’. But to your friends it’s like, ‘Hang on a minute, what are you talking about? We all have lovely lives.’

There is a lack of comprehension. When you declare that you’re done with your marriage, friends take it as a personal affront. Your news holds a mirror up to their own relationship. Because if you’re unhappy, you must be including them in that – and be criticising their lives.

Some friends will understand and get it. Then there are those who, to make themselves feel better, will make you feel worse. Don’t be surprised if this happens.

My ex and I made it clear to our friends that they didn’t need to take sides or choose between us. There was no animosity. But they still did – they seemed to think they had to make a choice and that can be hurtful.

When I was about to go to the first mediation session with my husband, I was worried. I knew it would be ‘cards on the table’ time and I would have to be open and truthful about wanting to end the marriage. I rang a friend to tell her about my fear that my husband would say to me, ‘just get out’ – and, at that point, I didn’t want the kids finding out until there was a solid framework in place.

She asked, ‘What are you going to do if that happens?’ I said I could stay with another of our mutual friends. Her response was, ‘Well, that’s good, because you can’t stay here. We’re friends with both of you, it would be really difficult.’

In certain circles, in a certain demographic, people judge their happiness by the car they drive, the jewellery they have, where they go out for dinner. I can wholeheartedly put my hand up and say I was that person once. But I began to hate who I was becoming.

Being unhappy is a poison that infiltrates every part of your body, but trying to explain this to people, well, they couldn’t comprehend why my life wasn’t enough for me.

I remember one friend being horrified after her divorce because she had to downsize to a semi-detached house – mortgage free. Whereas I knew that because I’d always worked, everything would be split 50/50; I was getting nothing extra. I took nothing financially from my marriage.

My disposable income is nowhere near what it was. As well as my new life, I still had two years of school fees left to pay for. But you must be prepared to cut your cloth accordingly.

I’ve never spoken about the circumstances around why I was the one to physically leave the house – but one person had to. All I can say is, when you’re a woman who leaves, whatever may have caused those circumstances, prepare to strap in. Because being a woman who leaves her children puts you into a whole different category of harlot, of hideous individual.

And the level of judgement is something else – you become low-hanging fruit. It confirms the underlying implication that has always been there in people’s comments: ‘You’re being selfish. I could never leave my children.’

Well, the option was leaving the house or live in the most toxic and vile environment. I wasn’t prepared for the kids to go through that. One of you has to be the bigger person. Very few friends witnessed the hours I spent sobbing over that. But in the end, I think it was the right decision.

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So, expect to lose friends. Expect judgement off the charts. Be prepared to live a different lifestyle.

But perhaps the most valuable message I would give to any woman thinking of walking away from an unhappy marriage is to avoid saying anything in the heat of the moment that you will regret. It’s very easy when someone is chucking insults at you to want to fight back, but it doesn’t serve you in the long term.

A separation can either be amicable or acrimonious but, at the end of the day, you end up in the same place. Do you really want to spend X amount on lawyers, or suck it up short term?

Be genuinely honest with yourself and try to accept mistakes that you may have made. Don’t entirely blame them. Ultimately it will pay off, not just in legal costs but with any future relationship with that person. And the ultimate piece of advice is to never, ever slag him off in front of the kids. They are half him, after all.

Being bitter and angry means you will never be able to move on. Acceptance gives you the ability to look forward – and learn.

• If you have any questions you’d like to ask Kat or topics you want her to cover, write to her at editor@you.co.uk

Hair: Dayna Vaughan-Teague. 

Make-up: Levi-Jade Taylor.